Wisdom from Luke #4

#4 A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
If you see the woman with a book – RUN!

Why? She knows too much, dude. And do you know what’s happening when the woman knows too much? Less sex!

Ask yourself now – are you ready to settle for the less? I knew one guy who’ve done that and he ended up in the prison. No, I’m not saying you are going to end up the same way. Maybe worse.

The woman who wants best for you is best for you! And…what is best for you?

THINK!

On the positive side:
– you’ll learn how to be patient: if you are lucky enough, you’ll get the opportunity to touch her bones once in a while. My PRO-advice – pretend you are a BOOK!


Next post – Thursday 

Luke against Transhumanism

Do you remember my Melinda (or Linda), the love of my life, my future-to-be-wife with a very ‘advanced’ lips (and other parts of the body) that could give you the most desirable pleasure just by looking at them?

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My lovely Melinda has a cat, Bobby. A lovely soft fluffy creature. But 2 months ago she decided to transform him, to give ‘another’ life: more rich and more fun. What could be more fun than your ‘big heart’ on the sun, I’ve told her…

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After one sun-session or two I’ve finally agreed: Ok, let’s make Bobby more intelligent, more beautiful and more happy! Bring the beer!

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But she told me her friend belongs to a ‘transhumanism-group’ and he can do all changes permanently. ‘Really???’

Transhumanists believe that we should use advanced technologies (as pharmacology, genetic engineering, cybernetics and nanotechnology) to radically enhance human beings. Imagine the future world populated by a new species of humans who looks only like this:

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WOOOOWWWWWW! Right? 

Of course I had my doubts at the beginning of the project. I’ve told her: Girl, all the stem cell technology in the world won’t help you when a piano falls 3 stories and lands on your face. But she’ve turned around and shoved the most futuristic part of the body right to my nose. And I said, ok…I’m all in. 

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First we did:

enlarged Bobby’s brain to the size of a human brain and some way it is also provided the language support-function.
the mouth of little Bobby-cat have been modified to allow speak freely. I’ve told to my lady, thats a coolest cat I even seen (mostly just to get one more blow job), but all my dreams stopped to evolve when I’ve heard Bobby saying he’d like to get a penis – enlargement and modify his front paws. Hm. 

As a result we’ve got a cat with a big erected “thumb”, who could type on a keyboard, talk, smile, walk around the house…

My sweet Melinda also developed new linguistics, and started attend a school with her cat. “You’ve got a nice tits and a butt! You are a model!” – I’ve told her. – “Do you really need a school for that??”

She told me that her old life seems so pointless now and she’ve found a bigger purpose. I stick to the word “bigger”, because I saw her right in front of me…oh (holding the hand of our transformed Bobby-cat).

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Should I mention that Bobby is sleeping with her in our bed and I’m sniffing lamp-posts outside of the house?

She have changed cat so much that when I met them yesterday I didn’t recognize him. He said to me: “Transhumanism lead to the creation of geniuses” but I’m sure it wasn’t a compliment to my nose or IQ.

So here it is, the photo of the Bobby after transformation:

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Transhumanism does not answer human concerns and desires, but involves the creation of beings with non-human desires and concerns. Or simply non-humans?


Next post – Wisdom From Luke 

Jesus has landed in Kyrgyzstan

Inspired by a novel “Christ has landed in Garodni” Vladimir Karatkevich/1972

Heroes:

God
Apostle Peter
Jesus
Girl with a horse
Policeman
Prisoner
Businessman from Shanghai
Abigail (sister of David)

Scene 1

The place was almost ‘brilliant-white’, the kind of white that makes you temporarily blind.

Jesus (entering white space): Peter told me you’ve been looking for me, Father?
God (while watching action-movie, from the chair): Jesus, my child! I have a mission for you. You have to go down to the Earth and open their eyes, tell the truth to those stupid sheeps!
Jesus: …for people? Why I have to sacrifice my own time for them? Abigail gonna come tonight and…
God: Abigail? The sister of David? I could keep her busy for a while…she’ll be here when you get back, my child.

Jesus (packing his bag): I hate people. What am I suppose to tell them? Blah blah, I’m Jesus Christ, do you wanna your ass saved or do you wanna to burn in hell?
God: Forever burn in hell. There’s a difference, my boy. F o r e v e r!
Jesus: Awesome! So when I’m landing in Las Vegas?
God: Vegas? No, Vegas only in the movies. You are going to land in Kyrgyzstan.
Jesus: Kyrgy-WHAT?

Scene 2

Empty grey field. Jesus is waking up in a stark of a hay. He sees a girl with a horse. Nobody around.

Jesus (scratching all his body, jumping on one leg): Hey, you, with a horse, come over here.

The girl and a horse doesn’t move.

Jesus: Peter, ffsake, are you here?
Peter’s voice (but only Jesus can hear him): Yeah, but maybe you shouldn’t talk to me, seems this human is scared.
Jesus: (to the girl) Close your mouth, and tell me – where’s the city?
Silence.
Jesus: I have to go to the city. Do you understand? How long does it take, with your horse?
Girl: 33.
Jesus: Noooo! Peter, I hate my father, go and tell him I want back. Now !! (to the girl) 33 hours? Do you have a casino there?
Girl: d-d-days. What is ga-zino?
Jesus (with the eyes up to the sky): Really, Father?

Day 16, after arriving on the Earth.

Jesus: …so, are you a girl?
Peter’s voice (from above): You are asking a horse.

Day 24, after arriving on the Earth.

Jesus: It was nice. Now say “Thank you, Jesus Christ, for teaching me how to blow your candle.”
Peter’s voice (from above): She’s too quiet. Maybe I should send her to hell? Considering her sins it will be easy…
Jesus: 9 more days, Peter. 

Scene 3

In the city. Near the tiny food store. 2 kids playing in the dirt.

Jesus: (screaming, naked) Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Policeman: Well, young man. Documents, please.
Jesus (touching his own forehead): Don’t you see here is written by God Himself, my Father ->  “J.E.S.U.S FKN. Christ.”

Policeman (to the radio): We have one more drunk Jesus-case here. Send an ambulance.

Scene 4

Peter is knocking on the God’s door.

Abigail’s voice: What do you want again, Peter?
Peter: I have to talk to our Father about his only son, Jesus. He is in trouble.
God’s voice (far away): Already killed?
Peter: Not yet. But he is in a prison and…
God: Great news, Peter! (the door opens) Give me a hug! Come join us with Abigail.
Peter: I think he’s suffering, Father!
God: Why can’t you just relax once in a while…he’s alive, right? (pulling Peter in)

Day 53, after Peter have entered God’s Room.

Peter: I have to go out to…wash my candle.
Abigail: Gooooodddd! Peter wanna leave us!
God (busy, playing the games): What??? No way, Peter! 3 more rounds. Wait until I’ll finish the games.

Scene 5

Prison in Kyrgyzstan.

Jesus: Peter…peter! PETER!!! PEEEE-TTTTEEEE-RRRR!!!
Prisoner: Shut up! Nobody cares about your name!
Jesus (crying): I want home! Up! On the Sky.
Prisoner: We can only pray, dude. To God.
Jesus (angry): To that OLD LAZY LUSTFUL MAD bastard?
Prisoner (to 2 others): Hold him , brothers! (the sound of smashed flesh is filling the room)

Scene 6

God is watching a horror movie. Laughing.

Peter: Abigail is asking when she can visit you. And I just got back from the Earth.
God: Ah.. Anything from Jesus? How he’s doing?
Peter: Last time I’ve seen him he was working for a mafia, in Shanghai.
God: Nice… I knew my boy will find the way to stay alive this time. Hm, remind him about a mission!
Peter: Mission?
God: Yeah, to tell the truth about the Lord of The Universe and All Creation…
Peter: The Real Truth?
God (with a suspicion): Yes. T H E Real Truth. Who have created the Earth? And the stars? And Abigail’s pretty mouth? And your hard candle? (a menacing voice) Do you think it was easy?
Peter: Of course, God, my dear Father…that’s exactly what Jesus is doing in Shanghai. ‘The Mission’!

Scene 7

Businessman from Shanghai: …so you are saying to me that you could steal 3 milliards and send our president to hell? all in one day?
Jesus (fat, bald, smoking cigar): Peter…can we?
Peter’s voice: Depends on the price!
Jesus (to businessman): No problems. Easy-peasy.

Scene 8 (final)

God (still watching a horror movie): Peter!
Peter: I’m here, Father!
God: Blow me. I feel so bored and lonely lately (stroking Peter’s head) Yeah, nice, nice.

Day 15

God (still stroking Peter’s head): …so how is Jesus?
Peter (trying to answer, but can’t): AhdehwfirgkvsmvksjgoW
God: What???
Peter: Jesus died 56 years ago. But he’ve got 2 daughters and 1 son. I’m watching over them.
God (angry): Every time is a Fail! Died?! How he could die without my permission?!!
Peter: So what’s next, Father?
God: Just do your job, Peter, blow my candle! I have to think…

The End

 

Wisdom from Luke #3

#3 Always agree with the woman. Dispute not with her: she is a lunatic.

Yes, I know, buddy, the world is teaching us to disagree with the women and to show who’s the Boss. And I’m totally agree with the Boss-thing, but here is a better strategy and it works every time to get a hot chick like this:

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Learn via conversation:

You: Heyyyyy what’s up. Do you like my tattoo? (do not forget to show your healthy teeth. It’s important!)
She: No.

What she really mean: Yes. And to be honest I love the skin under your tattoo and the man wearing that tattoo. Especially – the man.

You: Yeah…so what’s your name?
She: Name.
You: Your name is ‘Name’? Are you kidding?
She: Blame my parents, I wish I had no name as easy as the Name, but I’ve got it when I was born.

What she really mean: Stop your stupid questions and just take me!

Laugh here. A lot.
You: I love your name, Ms. Name. Let me introduce myself… (and tell her the story of your life. The more details – the better!)

Done. The conversation above is a key to her bedroom:

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The best present for a Valentine’s Day!

Do you want to invest in something powerful? Invest in Nada. Your woman will appreciate it, to the fullest.

Let me explain “HOW”!

You may be surprised—or relieved—to know that women have innate wealth-building-in-the-brain-instincts, especially when it comes to us, men. In fact, women’s ability to check your wallet before she meet you helps them to live longer and stay happier. Because they hope that wallet will belong to them one day too! Do not ruin those dreams before 14th of February! Show the wallet often!

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14 February is here:

Rule: Give her a “Nada-gift” only after the full show on the bed! Never before! Giving a Nada before the bed will be a total catastrophe!

Remember: Being too lazy in the bed on the Valentines Day is not wise!

Best Nada-environment: Save your wallet and bring her to the room filled with the huge white sheet, right on the floor, and the music. It’s free. Make her move…closer…closer to that sheet! Undress and jump in! 

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What? She wanna chocolate? Tell her the last statistics about the sugar and go ahead, show her your fkn teeth.
What? She wanna ‘gold and diamonds’? Show her who the real friends are! 

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Sometimes women are totally unaware how ‘the real’ looks like. My advice – drop your EVERYTHING and let the gold of the reality re-unite with your beloved one. Show That Tarzan of her dreams!
Hm, doesn’t look like a Tarzan? Take a risk! Be smart and start a Valentine’s Nada-Session after 10pm. Use blindfolds – women love it! 5 thousands shades of you in 1 night!

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Stick to your plan no matter what – unless you have a good reason to make changes. When you’ve made all possible NADA’s more than 17 times – sit back and enjoy the rest of the year.

Here’s your well deserved whiskey, dude!

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Unhappy Valentine (18+)

A play (quickly written during coffee-pause)

Heroes:

Mr. Valentine de Amour – 46yo, charming, bald but with a beard, dentist.
Mrs. Patience de Amour – his wife, 36yo, a receptionist at the Grand Hotel
9 children
Ms UnderPressure – his assistant, 25, too blonde and too leggy.
Ms LoudNoise – a waitress at the cafeteria, 21, studying in the art college
Ms FishyHell – the old lady, 95+, retired, living alone with a terrier-dog
Ms Supernova – a cleaner in the cafeteria, 45+, skinny but tall – 6,1’, divorced
Ms OffTheRails – a teacher, 38yo, never been married

Scene 1.

Morning. On the way out, between the yelling kids.

Valentine: Darling, I’ve told you to book the table for 9 pm. My schedule today is crazy. I have a new patient as well. You know it takes time with a new people. They are so delicate..
Patience: If only I could, but today is a Valentine Day, impossible to get a table. I’ve booked the last one and its early, I know. But we can continue our celebration… (a wink)

Child  V: I want to celebrate with you, I was born on that day.
Child  A: If you was born on that day it would be your birthday but it is NOT
Child  L: Dad, Ms OffTheRails told you to come to the school…
Child  E: Because Ms OffTheRails fancy our dad..
Child  N: No, she doesn’t, she fancy our mom, I’ve heard..
Child  T: You don’t know anything about the party next week?
Child  I: I forgot to buy a present for Em, she’ll get mad
Child  N: Touch her tits.. it will calm her down!
Child  E: Yeah, just do what our dad does when mom is going mad..

Valentine: Kids, kids…I want you all to remember that today is the most important day for your parents, be kind to them, us, and go to bed early. E.A.R.L.Y!!!
Patience: After 9 pm!
Child V: Are you planning one more child?
Valentine: Haha, no more. Otherwise I have to open a second clinic and live there 24/7 seven days a week.
Patience: Your dad is joking, dear. If something  tends to happen, it usually happens. Often.   

Scene 2.

At the clinic.
Ms UnderPressure is sitting on the lap of Mr Valentine de Amour.

Ms UnderPressure: Do you want 3, 6 millions atomspheres on your body tonight? Owww
Valentine: I can’t expect the pressure to be zero, because I feel it arises from my core right now, when I think of you, my angel.
Ms UnderPressure: There’s never zero with you (unzipping his jeans)
Valnetine: I have a client…
Ms UnderPressure: …ah, my gravitational force increasing the pressure, I can’t keep it inside anymore.

He pushed her down, her head under the chair, she wanted to squeal.

Valentine: I said BE QUIET! I have a client.
Ms UnderPressure: …in all directions, pleaseeeee, and can you get to the bottom this time …aaaaaaaaaaa…

There were something in her mouth, and a rough hand stifling her noises. The gravity of his move was directed towards her centre, boosting the pressure with each deep maneuver.
Mr Valentine de Amour repeated the process a few more times before Ms UnderPressure said: Ah, my channel is too happy.

Someone knocked on the door. It was Ms. FishyHell who spent almost an hour listening different kinds of groans, while drinking the tea in the office.

Valentine (still holding his ‘treasure’): Just going to clean my TOOLS!!

Scene 3.

The old woman is sitting in the chair, showing a gun. 

Ms FishyHell: Just one time my darling Doctor. Otherwise I have to call to the police and tell them that you are sexually harassing old ladies in your dentistry clinic.
Valentine: (quickly placed both hands on her hips and guided her down, until he was fully planted inside her. He could feel the cold of a gun on his thighs) Just be careful. And do not die.
Ms FishyHell: I will, my diamond, I will…

Her scream filled the room, as she clenched herself around his strong body, squeezing him and coaxing him to do… what he’ve never done before.

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Valentine: Mmmm, let’s check the teeth… now (tired voice)
Ms FishyHell: (smiling) It’s the tooth, Doctor. I have only one.
Valentine: That sounds very inviting!
Ms Fishy Hell: What a wonderrrrfffuuulll day!  (jumping of the chair and starting bouncing her head on his tired willy without a guidance)

Scene 4

Lunch time. Cafe “Lovely bird”, right in front of the clinic. Mr. Valentine is chewing his dry warm toast. Alone.

Ms LoudNoise: Anything else, Mr…? ( holding a cup right near her fleshy and pierced belly)
Valentine (focusing on the warmth of the boobs): Mr de Amourrrr. I need a guidance to the rest room, I think. I feel dizzy..
Ms. LoudNoise (with the empathy and a hopes): I’ll help you and I can stay with you for a couple of minutes if you like.

The rest room. The sign on the door: “Use the next one”.

Ms LoudNoise: It looks enormously swollen, Mister de Amour. I didn’t expect that! Are you sick?
Valentine: Hold it still.
Ms LoudNoise: Still? Am I here for that? (offended)
Valentine (angry voice): You said you want to help…
Ms LoudNoise: Yes! OKAY! (taking his hand and forcing it inside of her) Oh god, I’ve never felt anything like this (rolling her hips back and forth) I feel so…full.

The woman, who worked in the kitchen as a cleaner, heard a strange sound from the rest rooms. She filmed every move between Ms LoudNoise and Mr Valentine on her Iphone. When Ms LoudNoise left almost dying Mr Valentine on the floor of the rest room, the woman decided to use her chance. To celebrate Happy Valentine.

Mr Supernova: I’d like to talk about the video I just took, Mr Valentine de Amour. I know where you are living and…
Valentine: (holding violently-blue hand closer to the heart) W. H. A. T. do you want?
Mr Supernova: Just a small service, similar to what you’ve done on the video (pause) but millions seconds shorter. I promise!!!
Valentine (unzipped his jeans and closed the eyes): T A K E H I M!
Mr Supernova: No, no, not like this. In the motel. I want a romantic evening.

Mr Valentine felt the weight of about 6,400 kilometres of liquid iron and rock falling from the skies on him. He wanted to become Valentine-less just for one hour. But seems the hungry and the lonely have been chasing him everywhere today.

Scene 5.

The Grand Hotel. Room #66

Valentine: Listen, my wife is working here, I’m not sure I can do that.
Ms Supernova: (holding the orange in her hand, squeezing it. Mr Valentines is watching how the juice is dropping on the floor. Drop by drop.)
Valentine: Ok, where you’d like to start?
Ms: Supernova: In the bathroom, go make a Pre-heat. I’ll change my bikini, to surprise you.

xxx

Mr Valentine de Amour was crying. Almost 5 pm and he promised his wife to be at home around 7.
He opened the bathroom-window for a fresh air.
3 shadows were very busy with a ‘kissing good-byes’ in the most spectacular way, right there, under the window. Shocked, he recognized his wife, bouncing (with a patience) between a huge half-naked young block and Ms OffTheRails, the teacher. 

“Who is the man?” 

Scene 6.

Evening. Restaurant. Dinner.

Valentine: I’m sorry I have to come directly to the restaurant, too much work lately.
Patience: (playful voice) No problem, darling, you are going to pay for this tonight, haha.

Pause.

Valentine: Who is the man? Yes, yes, and yes, I saw you and Ms OffTheRails banging a man outside of the Grand Hotel this afternoon. I saw you from the window. Don’t try to lie, Patience!
Patience: I don’t understand, darling Valentine. I took a day off from my job, I told you this morning.

Pause.

Patience: Val! What did you do at the hotel? Answer me!
Valentine: (confused): …then who was that woman?

—————— to be continued —————-

Hopefully, to be continued next week 🙂 or maybe I’ll write something else. Enjoy your weekends and we meet again on Monday! Follow Luke 🙂

 

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