Jesus has landed in Kyrgyzstan

Inspired by a novel “Christ has landed in Garodni” Vladimir Karatkevich/1972


Apostle Peter
Girl with a horse
Businessman from Shanghai
Abigail (sister of David)

Scene 1

The place was almost ‘brilliant-white’, the kind of white that makes you temporarily blind.

Jesus (entering white space): Peter told me you’ve been looking for me, Father?
God (while watching action-movie, from the chair): Jesus, my child! I have a mission for you. You have to go down to the Earth and open their eyes, tell the truth to those stupid sheeps!
Jesus: …for people? Why I have to sacrifice my own time for them? Abigail gonna come tonight and…
God: Abigail? The sister of David? I could keep her busy for a while…she’ll be here when you get back, my child.

Jesus (packing his bag): I hate people. What am I suppose to tell them? Blah blah, I’m Jesus Christ, do you wanna your ass saved or do you wanna to burn in hell?
God: Forever burn in hell. There’s a difference, my boy. F o r e v e r!
Jesus: Awesome! So when I’m landing in Las Vegas?
God: Vegas? No, Vegas only in the movies. You are going to land in Kyrgyzstan.
Jesus: Kyrgy-WHAT?

Scene 2

Empty grey field. Jesus is waking up in a stark of a hay. He sees a girl with a horse. Nobody around.

Jesus (scratching all his body, jumping on one leg): Hey, you, with a horse, come over here.

The girl and a horse doesn’t move.

Jesus: Peter, ffsake, are you here?
Peter’s voice (but only Jesus can hear him): Yeah, but maybe you shouldn’t talk to me, seems this human is scared.
Jesus: (to the girl) Close your mouth, and tell me – where’s the city?
Jesus: I have to go to the city. Do you understand? How long does it take, with your horse?
Girl: 33.
Jesus: Noooo! Peter, I hate my father, go and tell him I want back. Now !! (to the girl) 33 hours? Do you have a casino there?
Girl: d-d-days. What is ga-zino?
Jesus (with the eyes up to the sky): Really, Father?

Day 16, after arriving on the Earth.

Jesus: …so, are you a girl?
Peter’s voice (from above): You are asking a horse.

Day 24, after arriving on the Earth.

Jesus: It was nice. Now say “Thank you, Jesus Christ, for teaching me how to blow your candle.”
Peter’s voice (from above): She’s too quiet. Maybe I should send her to hell? Considering her sins it will be easy…
Jesus: 9 more days, Peter. 

Scene 3

In the city. Near the tiny food store. 2 kids playing in the dirt.

Jesus: (screaming, naked) Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Policeman: Well, young man. Documents, please.
Jesus (touching his own forehead): Don’t you see here is written by God Himself, my Father ->  “J.E.S.U.S FKN. Christ.”

Policeman (to the radio): We have one more drunk Jesus-case here. Send an ambulance.

Scene 4

Peter is knocking on the God’s door.

Abigail’s voice: What do you want again, Peter?
Peter: I have to talk to our Father about his only son, Jesus. He is in trouble.
God’s voice (far away): Already killed?
Peter: Not yet. But he is in a prison and…
God: Great news, Peter! (the door opens) Give me a hug! Come join us with Abigail.
Peter: I think he’s suffering, Father!
God: Why can’t you just relax once in a while…he’s alive, right? (pulling Peter in)

Day 53, after Peter have entered God’s Room.

Peter: I have to go out to…wash my candle.
Abigail: Gooooodddd! Peter wanna leave us!
God (busy, playing the games): What??? No way, Peter! 3 more rounds. Wait until I’ll finish the games.

Scene 5

Prison in Kyrgyzstan.

Jesus: Peter…peter! PETER!!! PEEEE-TTTTEEEE-RRRR!!!
Prisoner: Shut up! Nobody cares about your name!
Jesus (crying): I want home! Up! On the Sky.
Prisoner: We can only pray, dude. To God.
Jesus (angry): To that OLD LAZY LUSTFUL MAD bastard?
Prisoner (to 2 others): Hold him , brothers! (the sound of smashed flesh is filling the room)

Scene 6

God is watching a horror movie. Laughing.

Peter: Abigail is asking when she can visit you. And I just got back from the Earth.
God: Ah.. Anything from Jesus? How he’s doing?
Peter: Last time I’ve seen him he was working for a mafia, in Shanghai.
God: Nice… I knew my boy will find the way to stay alive this time. Hm, remind him about a mission!
Peter: Mission?
God: Yeah, to tell the truth about the Lord of The Universe and All Creation…
Peter: The Real Truth?
God (with a suspicion): Yes. T H E Real Truth. Who have created the Earth? And the stars? And Abigail’s pretty mouth? And your hard candle? (a menacing voice) Do you think it was easy?
Peter: Of course, God, my dear Father…that’s exactly what Jesus is doing in Shanghai. ‘The Mission’!

Scene 7

Businessman from Shanghai: …so you are saying to me that you could steal 3 milliards and send our president to hell? all in one day?
Jesus (fat, bald, smoking cigar): Peter…can we?
Peter’s voice: Depends on the price!
Jesus (to businessman): No problems. Easy-peasy.

Scene 8 (final)

God (still watching a horror movie): Peter!
Peter: I’m here, Father!
God: Blow me. I feel so bored and lonely lately (stroking Peter’s head) Yeah, nice, nice.

Day 15

God (still stroking Peter’s head): …so how is Jesus?
Peter (trying to answer, but can’t): AhdehwfirgkvsmvksjgoW
God: What???
Peter: Jesus died 56 years ago. But he’ve got 2 daughters and 1 son. I’m watching over them.
God (angry): Every time is a Fail! Died?! How he could die without my permission?!!
Peter: So what’s next, Father?
God: Just do your job, Peter, blow my candle! I have to think…

The End


2 Comments on “Jesus has landed in Kyrgyzstan

  1. Pingback: Jesus has landed in Kyrgyzstan — via Luke Copyright – raynotbradbury

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