Unhappy Valentine (18+)

A play (quickly written during coffee-pause)


Mr. Valentine de Amour – 46yo, charming, bald but with a beard, dentist.
Mrs. Patience de Amour – his wife, 36yo, a receptionist at the Grand Hotel
9 children
Ms UnderPressure – his assistant, 25, too blonde and too leggy.
Ms LoudNoise – a waitress at the cafeteria, 21, studying in the art college
Ms FishyHell – the old lady, 95+, retired, living alone with a terrier-dog
Ms Supernova – a cleaner in the cafeteria, 45+, skinny but tall – 6,1’, divorced
Ms OffTheRails – a teacher, 38yo, never been married

Scene 1.

Morning. On the way out, between the yelling kids.

Valentine: Darling, I’ve told you to book the table for 9 pm. My schedule today is crazy. I have a new patient as well. You know it takes time with a new people. They are so delicate..
Patience: If only I could, but today is a Valentine Day, impossible to get a table. I’ve booked the last one and its early, I know. But we can continue our celebration… (a wink)

Child  V: I want to celebrate with you, I was born on that day.
Child  A: If you was born on that day it would be your birthday but it is NOT
Child  L: Dad, Ms OffTheRails told you to come to the school…
Child  E: Because Ms OffTheRails fancy our dad..
Child  N: No, she doesn’t, she fancy our mom, I’ve heard..
Child  T: You don’t know anything about the party next week?
Child  I: I forgot to buy a present for Em, she’ll get mad
Child  N: Touch her tits.. it will calm her down!
Child  E: Yeah, just do what our dad does when mom is going mad..

Valentine: Kids, kids…I want you all to remember that today is the most important day for your parents, be kind to them, us, and go to bed early. E.A.R.L.Y!!!
Patience: After 9 pm!
Child V: Are you planning one more child?
Valentine: Haha, no more. Otherwise I have to open a second clinic and live there 24/7 seven days a week.
Patience: Your dad is joking, dear. If something  tends to happen, it usually happens. Often.   

Scene 2.

At the clinic.
Ms UnderPressure is sitting on the lap of Mr Valentine de Amour.

Ms UnderPressure: Do you want 3, 6 millions atomspheres on your body tonight? Owww
Valentine: I can’t expect the pressure to be zero, because I feel it arises from my core right now, when I think of you, my angel.
Ms UnderPressure: There’s never zero with you (unzipping his jeans)
Valnetine: I have a client…
Ms UnderPressure: …ah, my gravitational force increasing the pressure, I can’t keep it inside anymore.

He pushed her down, her head under the chair, she wanted to squeal.

Valentine: I said BE QUIET! I have a client.
Ms UnderPressure: …in all directions, pleaseeeee, and can you get to the bottom this time …aaaaaaaaaaa…

There were something in her mouth, and a rough hand stifling her noises. The gravity of his move was directed towards her centre, boosting the pressure with each deep maneuver.
Mr Valentine de Amour repeated the process a few more times before Ms UnderPressure said: Ah, my channel is too happy.

Someone knocked on the door. It was Ms. FishyHell who spent almost an hour listening different kinds of groans, while drinking the tea in the office.

Valentine (still holding his ‘treasure’): Just going to clean my TOOLS!!

Scene 3.

The old woman is sitting in the chair, showing a gun. 

Ms FishyHell: Just one time my darling Doctor. Otherwise I have to call to the police and tell them that you are sexually harassing old ladies in your dentistry clinic.
Valentine: (quickly placed both hands on her hips and guided her down, until he was fully planted inside her. He could feel the cold of a gun on his thighs) Just be careful. And do not die.
Ms FishyHell: I will, my diamond, I will…

Her scream filled the room, as she clenched herself around his strong body, squeezing him and coaxing him to do… what he’ve never done before.


Valentine: Mmmm, let’s check the teeth… now (tired voice)
Ms FishyHell: (smiling) It’s the tooth, Doctor. I have only one.
Valentine: That sounds very inviting!
Ms Fishy Hell: What a wonderrrrfffuuulll day!  (jumping of the chair and starting bouncing her head on his tired willy without a guidance)

Scene 4

Lunch time. Cafe “Lovely bird”, right in front of the clinic. Mr. Valentine is chewing his dry warm toast. Alone.

Ms LoudNoise: Anything else, Mr…? ( holding a cup right near her fleshy and pierced belly)
Valentine (focusing on the warmth of the boobs): Mr de Amourrrr. I need a guidance to the rest room, I think. I feel dizzy..
Ms. LoudNoise (with the empathy and a hopes): I’ll help you and I can stay with you for a couple of minutes if you like.

The rest room. The sign on the door: “Use the next one”.

Ms LoudNoise: It looks enormously swollen, Mister de Amour. I didn’t expect that! Are you sick?
Valentine: Hold it still.
Ms LoudNoise: Still? Am I here for that? (offended)
Valentine (angry voice): You said you want to help…
Ms LoudNoise: Yes! OKAY! (taking his hand and forcing it inside of her) Oh god, I’ve never felt anything like this (rolling her hips back and forth) I feel so…full.

The woman, who worked in the kitchen as a cleaner, heard a strange sound from the rest rooms. She filmed every move between Ms LoudNoise and Mr Valentine on her Iphone. When Ms LoudNoise left almost dying Mr Valentine on the floor of the rest room, the woman decided to use her chance. To celebrate Happy Valentine.

Mr Supernova: I’d like to talk about the video I just took, Mr Valentine de Amour. I know where you are living and…
Valentine: (holding violently-blue hand closer to the heart) W. H. A. T. do you want?
Mr Supernova: Just a small service, similar to what you’ve done on the video (pause) but millions seconds shorter. I promise!!!
Valentine (unzipped his jeans and closed the eyes): T A K E H I M!
Mr Supernova: No, no, not like this. In the motel. I want a romantic evening.

Mr Valentine felt the weight of about 6,400 kilometres of liquid iron and rock falling from the skies on him. He wanted to become Valentine-less just for one hour. But seems the hungry and the lonely have been chasing him everywhere today.

Scene 5.

The Grand Hotel. Room #66

Valentine: Listen, my wife is working here, I’m not sure I can do that.
Ms Supernova: (holding the orange in her hand, squeezing it. Mr Valentines is watching how the juice is dropping on the floor. Drop by drop.)
Valentine: Ok, where you’d like to start?
Ms: Supernova: In the bathroom, go make a Pre-heat. I’ll change my bikini, to surprise you.


Mr Valentine de Amour was crying. Almost 5 pm and he promised his wife to be at home around 7.
He opened the bathroom-window for a fresh air.
3 shadows were very busy with a ‘kissing good-byes’ in the most spectacular way, right there, under the window. Shocked, he recognized his wife, bouncing (with a patience) between a huge half-naked young block and Ms OffTheRails, the teacher. 

“Who is the man?” 

Scene 6.

Evening. Restaurant. Dinner.

Valentine: I’m sorry I have to come directly to the restaurant, too much work lately.
Patience: (playful voice) No problem, darling, you are going to pay for this tonight, haha.


Valentine: Who is the man? Yes, yes, and yes, I saw you and Ms OffTheRails banging a man outside of the Grand Hotel this afternoon. I saw you from the window. Don’t try to lie, Patience!
Patience: I don’t understand, darling Valentine. I took a day off from my job, I told you this morning.


Patience: Val! What did you do at the hotel? Answer me!
Valentine: (confused): …then who was that woman?

—————— to be continued —————-

Hopefully, to be continued next week 🙂 or maybe I’ll write something else. Enjoy your weekends and we meet again on Monday! Follow Luke 🙂


One Comment on “Unhappy Valentine (18+)

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